Worst. Mother’s. Day. Ever.

I’m back. Just to vent because I am still so upset I am literally shaking. Almost 24 hours later.

So two months ago I got a restraining order against crazy pants because she showed up at my work place. I had to prove I was scared, luckily I have all the text messgaes, Facebook messages and things she herself has posted online. My parents had one too, my mother didn’t want to but my father convinced her since crazy pants started harassing them for kidnapping. And tried to report them for child abuse (I’m the youngest, I’m 23). Her grounds were my being raised Catholic and Russian Orthodox, since she’s a born again Baptist. Ridiculous,  right?  Luckily nothing happened with that.

So my brother and I take my mother to a nice brunch, then a festival,  then dinner. It was at dinner things fell apart. I swore I had seen her behind us at the festival, but it’s a public place so I ignored it. It was after we got to dinner, and eating the main course that crazy pants sat herself down (I now hate tables that keep that fourth chair even when it’s a party of three….). My mother , ever the beacon of calm in our family, asked her nicely to leave and reminded her about the restraining order.

Crazy pants started talking about her rights, and she’s my mother, and my mom stole me off the delivery table (not true, I was in foster care for three months) and my mother kidnapped me, my father abused me, she loves me, blah blah. My brother called the police and I lured her outside by leaving in a huff, she predictably followed. When she saw the police, she slapped me full across the face. Bet your ass I had her arrested for assault. My face has a bruise on it. My mother’s  Mother’s Day was ruined and I was humiliated in front of a restaurant. So yeah. That was my mother’s day.

On First Mothers Forum, there is a post suggesting first mothers should have access to the amended birth certificate, so they can find their relinquished children easily. Imagine if crazy pants could have done that, and appeared in my life when I was eighteen, or younger! It would have been even more of a mess than it already has been. I was a normal teenager, I alternately loved and hated my parents based solely on what they were allowing me to do at any given moment. I couldn’t have dealt with that in any sane fashion.

I truly hate her. The police told me she’ll be charged with aggravated criminal contempt. I hope she goes to jail.

Worst. Mother’s. Day. Ever.

It’s A Brand New Year

Hello there 2016. I’ve been waiting for you. I believe in new days and all the hope that comes with them. God knows I need a new year.

Christmas went well. No appearances from bio womb, she kept the craziness to herself this year. That was….decent….of her, right? Just Epiphany coming up, but she’s not Eastern Orthodox so fingers crossed she doesn’t know it’s a holiday for families to gather round.

I’ve learned a lot this year. I’ve learned to be grateful for what I have, the grass isn’t greener and I had the inner wisdom to not be too curious about bio womb. Since she exacted her curiosity on me however my life has been more chaotic than I like.

I graduated. Yay! Now I get to start paying off the loans. Boo! My summer internship finished with an offer of a permanent position, which of course I took. I have my own apartment, my own car and all the debts that go with it haha. Boyfriend wants to move in, or me with him, but I’m putting that off. This is the first place I’ve had that is just mine. Before that it was dorm rooms and Mom and Dad’s house.

I have a cat, he’s great fun, if a little surly. Rescue cat and he’s still getting used to me and I to him.

I’ve become slightly involved in adoptee rights . I never fully realized how lucky I’ve been until bio womb steamrolled into my life and I started doing research on other adoptees and their bio families. I have my original birth certificate, that makes me extremely lucky. I love my parents and my parents and family have never made me feel less than or not a part of them.

My great grandmother died when I was eighteen at a very ripe old age, in her own home. At the will reading she had left me China painted with blue birds she knew I loved and probably wouldn’t break. The lawyer read “and to my great granddaughter Mariya I leave my china, may she enjoy it as long as I have.” Notice she didn’t write “my adopted great granddaughter Mariya.”  That beautiful China is in a display cabinet in my new living room my aunt gave me when she was downsizing for her retirement to Florida.

I’ve been lucky enough to never struggle with depression or abnormal amounts of self-doubt. If there is such a thing as “primal wound” I never experienced it.

My bio womb forcing herself into my life has never filled some gaping hole in my life. That intrusion has made me feel angry though. I’ve resolved in this new year to let go of that anger and continue on pursuing my happiness without a second thought to those that disturb me. It may sound cold, but that coldness is the way I’m going to preserve my sanity.

I am in no way going to encourage reunions unless BOTH parties want it. Otherwise it’s cruel, disturbing and painful. But the rights to an original birth certificate should be universal. The rights to medical history should be universal.

Unfortunately to some, I also feel that reunion and forced relationship should not be universal. That search angels are in no way angelic and very much the root of my chaos. I do not support them. Yes I am painting them all with the same brush but the one I has unfortunate contact with was self righteous, selfish (yes selfish! She can put down this “successful” reunion in her “win” column) all covered with honeyed tones of trying to “help.”

I have learned strength about myself in this past year. That’s something good I think.

But ny adoption saga is done now, so this will probably be the last blog post. It was a great place to vent but I was pretty much venting to myself haha! I love interaction and the lack of comments deprived me of that, waaaa.

Self pity moment for not being an influential and vivacious blogger over with. I hope my three readers have a great New Year and achieve their dreams!

Das vidanya and Slan

It’s A Brand New Year

This Christmas Season

Christmas is a time for family. It’s a time to gather around your loved ones, whether you’re Christian or not. Warning, I’m american and my views are filtered through a very american lens. Society has shaped itself in this country around Judeo-Christian values, and Hanukkah and Christmas are big holidays in those religions. So society encourages us to gather around and feel loved and to love. It’s not a bad concept,  once you strip away the commercialism of it all, this season is actually pretty darn great.

I have always loved Christmas.  And the way I was raised, I get two! How cool is that? My father is an Irish Catholic so I get Christmas.  My mother is agnostic but her family is Russian Orthodox so I also get Epiphany  (aka “Little Christmas ” or “Russian Christmas “). I get two wonderful times full of love and stories, memories shared and more memories made. It’s what Christmas is all about. At least in my view.

This season will be a bit different. I will be at my parents house. My awesome niece will be there. We probably won’t have snow  (it’s supposed to be 70 tomorrow with a chance of thunderstorms! WTF?!) But there will be cookies made, cartoons watched and all other sorts of awesomeness. I’ll have a huge chunk of my family present, and if Santa does exist my cousin who is serving overseas will be able to call. That will be awesome! More than awesome. I really hope he can .

This year I will have a tinge of discomfort in the back of my mind amongst all the warmth and joy. Bio  womb….she might stop by. She knows where my parents live. My mother, kind hearted and thinks everyone is good if given the chance, had her over at the beginning of this saga.  She meant well. But it didn’t go well. If bio womb shows up, it could be at best awkward. At worst the police will be called. Maybe I should get that restraining order.  Over at First Mothers Forum it was suggested I get one.

Except…..

Except I know she’ll break it. I think I’m an obsession to her, not a person. She did that with bio sister Michelle when she found out where the foster parents lived.   So she will violate that flimsy piece of paper and then she’ll be arrested. She still has a daughter at home.

So even if my Christmas is ruined, is it fair of me to wreck someone else’s?  Do I have that right? Or should I just grit my teeth and ignore her and her scenes,  hoping she’ll go away?

This Christmas Season

It finally happened

I knew it would eventually. I have a decent job, relatively low college loans, no car payment and a cute apartment. I haven’t heard from bio womb for three weeks. Thought I was going to get an awesome Christmas present with her continual silence.

Nope. She found my new cell number.  She needs money. I owe her for all the pain she’s been through because of me.

So yep time for another cell number. Crazy pants is getting nothing. She never would have gotten anything.  I don’t owe her anything.

 

 

 

It finally happened

The truth comes out

Well I bit the bullet and met one of my bio sisters I’ll call Michelle.  She wasn’t kept by bio womb either.  She’s 18, perfectly lovely and was removed from the home for neglect when she was 5. The other sister,  I’ll call her Abigail,  lives with bio womb,  was removed and released back.  She’s currently on a PINS order and will probably be removed due to bio womb neglect, her own truancy and multiple shoplifting charges. Michelle stated she requested not to be placed back with crazy pants,  and after entreaties to judges and CPS, was left with her foster family.  Why,  you may ask?

*bio womb would leave her alone for days on end

*bio womb wouldn’t take her medication because she was “fine”

*bio womb harassed the foster families

And BTW Michelle has a restraining order.

I am so grateful I was given away at birth. If I told my mom about any of this, she’d be shocked, but probably not terribly.

Michelle wishes she had been cleared to be adopted. Because then bio womb wouldn’t have any claim on her. I told her it’s not that easy, she’s still thinking she has a claim on me.

I feel bad for bio womb, worse for Abigail. But I’m fine moving on. Although I will be seeing a psychiatrist in case she did pass her illness onto me.

The truth comes out

I’m Not Broken

Do you know the worst part about being adopted? When people think you’re broken,  or should be.  Apparently I should be teeming with resentment and abandonment issues. I should have felt that I was never a part of my family and that without a “genetic mirror” my life is forever empty.

My bio mom is perhaps the worst.  I’ve made the decision to stop this reunion (which she sought, I NEVER did) right in its tracks because I honestly think she is crazy. Constant messages, demands for pictures from my childhood but not with my real parents or siblings, demands to talk to my boyfriend and the attempted guilt trip.

Let me tell you, telling someone that she is pretty much the reason for your misery and unhappy life is not the way to go about things. Emailing me constantly (I received 27 emails over three days) is also excessive. She emailed me at my college account which isn’t hard to figure out. I’ve had her relegated  to spam.  I’m nervous she’s going to show up. I’m afraid she’s going to start harassing my parents.

I’m sorry she can’t get over it. I’m the star pupil in the school of “suck it up.” I have no patience for those who wallow and try to use guilt or other passive aggressive methods  to get their way. If she missed me “so much” She can go on missing me. Because I don’t miss her, I never have.

I’m sure many bio mom’s are going to say I’m unfair and I should be compassionate  to her needs but I am a normal human being. Her needs do not supercede mine. They never will. And to the snotty search “angel” who said my future children will be mad at me for not having that psycho in their lives….I plan to not tell them I’m adopted. Their grandma and Grandpa will be the awesome people that raised me. That never put me through hell because they felt “bad and empty.” The ones that blamed me for only things that were my fault (like crashing the car when I was 17 or failing gym class in 8th grade). The ones who unconditionally love me, support me and never tell me only I can heal the “pain” by submitting to their demands.

These are things I can never say to other people who don’t know me, like on a forum, because they will immediately  jump all over me.

In this single, isolated case I  can say my bio mom owes me an apology. That this reunion was never meant to be. That I don’t feel bad about it at all. That the worst thing that has ever happened to me is this crazy person putting a misguided (possibly evil) search “angel” on my trail and forcing me into this situation where if she continues, I will get a restraining order.

I’m Not Broken

Yes I Am Adopted

Yes I’m adopted. It’s hard to tell when looking at my family. I look vaguely like my dad, same coloring, same generic features. I don’t look too much like my mom. But I am adopted. I have known since I was young and it has never been a big part of my life. It was part of my story but it was not THE story.

In school, I had to do the generic genealogy project. I prefaced it with “I am adopted but this is my family.” I told my class about my family back to Tsarist Russia on my mom’s side and to the potato famine on my dad’s side. I was proud of the project and no one told me this wasn’t my family. No one in my family has ever introduced me as “the adopted one.”

I turned 18 and my parents offered to help me find my bio parents. I thought about it and decided I didn’t want to. And life continued on.

I graduated high school, got into college, dated, fell in love.

I was about to start my senior year of college, I was so excited. Then I got the phone call that changed my life and not for the better. It was a stranger who referred to herself as a “search angel.”  I’ll call her Beth. Beth said my “real” mom was looking for me and it would be her pleasure to reunite us and make my family complete. I told Beth my family was complete but I would think about it. I never got the chance because Beth gave my contact information to my bio mom who contacted me on Facebook. Fine, I’ll be nice.

I chatted with this woman, this stranger, who told me basically that she was miserable and she knew there was something missing in my life. Uh, no. There isn’t. There never was. I referred to her by her first name, she responded “I AM YOUR MOTHER! !!” Uh, no you’re not. She told me she could fill the hole in my life.  That holding me in her arms would heal her heart. That because she is my mother, I owe her a meeting. Her whole family wanted to meet me, I owed them. She wanted to know what weekend I could go to her home.

Listen, first, she is not my mother. She is the woman who gave birth to me. I have a mother and she is wonderful. I’m not damaged, I don’t have this gaping need. I wasn’t angry about being adopted until now.

Because now I’ve had all choice taken away. I have had to close my Facebook page because of her. She was instant messaging me numerous times a day. She called me selfish and ungrateful because I wouldn’t accept her friend request. I won’t start a new page because I know some search “angel” will just give her it.

I have changed my cell phone number because she started calling it.  She knows where I go to college and I live in fear she’s going to show up at graduation. I’m even wondering if I should transfer, which will set graduation back a year.

I did my research and looked into what birth mother’s are thinking, feeling…found a wonderful blog called First Mother Forum. Most of the ladies there are great. And of course there was a search “angel” who responded that this stranger was my mother, she was not harassing me and I just had to stop behaving like a petulant child and stop slamming doors.

I did not want to be found. I wish I could disappear. I wish she would leave me alone.  I don’t owe her a damn thing. She doesn’t owe me a damn thing.

She is a stranger.  She has issues.   And she is NOT my mother

Yes I Am Adopted